this was a beautiful read, henrik. as i navigate my own relationship with a partner, i especially loved the idea of aligning our separate goals/visions by looking for the points at which they intersect. thank you for sharing :)
Brilliant. Just brilliant. So fascinating to follow you and Johanna's story, and I love how you tell it with such clarity and transparency. I feel like I should make a note of all your relationship advice for future use.
Really enjoyed the "I jotted down things I wanted to google and twice a week I’d go down to the local library, look at the list, and say, why on earth did I want to know Justin Bieber’s net worth?" And as you figured, I loved the part about your grandparents.
This piece i found particularly comforting was the sentiment of finding someone who is comfortable in their strangeness. It made me reflect on my own relationship and why I love her so much. Not only is she delighted by it but she loves it and accepts it. I can only hope to do the same for her.
Funnily enough, I came across this post indirectly, via Nix. It’s really beautiful. It also reminded me of one of my favourite posts elsewhere which I’m going back to often: Tiago Forte’s “Throughput of Learning”[1]. You probably know it already, if not, you might like it, too.
Tiago Forte writes about learning loops, particularly from the perspective of “listening for assumptions” and the need of having another free mind that helps us reveal the limitations of the assumptions of our current lens:
“[The] deepest assumptions can only be revealed through experience and stories, not by reading books or having intellectual arguments. We do these things through the same old lens, and thus cannot examine the lens. It takes another free mind, reaching up and taking off our spectacles, to show us the cracks and the foggy areas.”
I came to think that a relationship as rich as yours and Johanna’s has this innate quality of an effective learning loop.
Fabulous piece that captures the evolution of self, other, and home. Having been married for over twenty years I resonate with many of your observations, particularly, "Whenever we drop below a certain level of talking, friction accumulates. We get more stuck in our ways, we get stressed and don’t have time to maintain the shared context necessary to understand each other. " I cannot imagine how couples manage to stay connected if both are working outside the home, come home exhausted, and hardly have any time before doing it all again the next day. We are grateful that my husband can work from home much of the time, while I homeschool, which allows us to converse and have a "shared context" throughout the day. I recently wrote a piece on "How to make a home for humans" which focused on how our home environment shapes our interaction with tech. https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/beyond-digital-detox-how-to-make. We lived for many years without any tv or internet, and it certainly made for a much calmer environment and allowed us to spend ample time in conversation:)
Yeah, we haven't tried both working at the same time since the kids were born, and I only work out of the home 3 days a week, so we've made ourselves priviliged in that sense. My parents both worked when I grew up, and they made it work, but we had family in the neighborhood that took turns having us kids and so on, so they weren't too overworked. Cutting away as much as possible that interferes with your ability to do the core things in your life well is key.
My friend. I have to say that the serendipity of finding you at this point in my life is nothing short of Godly, and I thank you for making the decisions you've made throughout life that have enabled you to get to the point where you can write such an enlightening essay that inspires me to follow my heart but maintain the constraints of rationality and discipline. I have found my Alice, and as you suggest, you simply can't ignore such a relationship, no matter the possible hurdles. I won't go on, but I had to comment and say thank you so much for what you do. You are a genuine genius.
This piece resonated deeply with me! This really came at the perfect time, as I’ve been trying to think a lot about relationships through the lens of process philosophy recently (which, simply put, sees life as becoming), and your framing captures this idea that love is about becoming more fully through one another so beautifully.
What struck me most was how your account offers a more optimistic view of being a partner who might otherwise feel like an “incomplete” participant in life. For some, a Johanna would be more of a living indictment of their lack. And unfortunately a lot of men may experience it this way (at least from my perspective as a 22 year old). And I love how you show how that difference becoming a source of growth instead, and the very engine driving the relationship forward.
I’ve been trying to explore a bit about these themes myself from more of a metaphysical critique sort of angle, so it was inspiring to see some similar insights come out here out as such a vivid and beautiful kind of lived poetics.
I just found this series and it's really made me think about my relationship with my long-distance friend of about a decade. We've definitely grown apart in the last few years since I moved away from her, and this post made me realize how much I want us to stay close. now to make time to think about exactly how we can do that...
Like your relationship with Joanna, this piece is not a stiff abstract thing. It's grounded and in touch with reality. Your radically unique reality, but so specific I can believe in it. I can learn from it. Thanks.
What do you reckon gives you the ability to be in dialogue with Joanna (and reality) so well? I often am lost in things like Justin Bieber's net worth (and your library story made me feel self-conscious about how often I waste my time). How did you avoid that early on? Curious if there is a simple answer beyond "born this way." No worries if not.
I guess I have a strong inclination in that direction, but then there is the coevolutionary loop of finding people who pull that out of me, learning from them, and being somewhat systematic about ... sort of Pareto pruning. Which 20 percent of your life makes you feel most alive and grounded? Can you cut away and cut away until that is what you do most of the time? And then ask the question again: what is the best 20 percent of what is left, and prune down toward that? Going fractally toward a life that feels fit.
I'm on and off with coffee. But yes, dropping all stimulants helps me keep a more stable cycle. Not sure how coffee affects the cycle per se, but anything that alters energy levels mechanically will make my cycles less stable, which I dislike. I like my days to be very regimented, it gives me a certain intensity.
I found many resonance as I am also co-evolving and homemaking with my life partner. I found the images of moth and orchid at the opening and beginning were particularly moving. Love the reminder on experiments, conversations, and reviewing what does not work as part of the routine. Thank you for crystallizing those process and thought into words :)
Henrik, your story has been beautiful and fascinating to read!
Now that I've been talking to people I trust, yet I still feel stuck in my own perspective, I figure that must mean that there are people I haven’t met who would unfold space for new insights during conversations in a way I’ve never experienced.
Moreover, I had the worry that ‘even if I find the special person to spend time with, we might not be able to figure out how to live together due to clashes in personal preferences and routine differences’ is actually resolvable if the person is truly the right person I’m looking for. Concurrently, the person I’m looking for must therefore have the additional quality that they are happy with iterations of experimentations and improvements with me however stupid-looking.
These two posts (part 1 and 3) afforded me more clarity for my experimentation with sampling interactions, and thus calmed me and brought me hope. Thank you so, so much for demonstrating the possibility of myself - and all readers - in your or Johanna's position, by describing what sort of experiences we may try looking for!
this was a beautiful read, henrik. as i navigate my own relationship with a partner, i especially loved the idea of aligning our separate goals/visions by looking for the points at which they intersect. thank you for sharing :)
Brilliant. Just brilliant. So fascinating to follow you and Johanna's story, and I love how you tell it with such clarity and transparency. I feel like I should make a note of all your relationship advice for future use.
Really enjoyed the "I jotted down things I wanted to google and twice a week I’d go down to the local library, look at the list, and say, why on earth did I want to know Justin Bieber’s net worth?" And as you figured, I loved the part about your grandparents.
This piece i found particularly comforting was the sentiment of finding someone who is comfortable in their strangeness. It made me reflect on my own relationship and why I love her so much. Not only is she delighted by it but she loves it and accepts it. I can only hope to do the same for her.
Funnily enough, I came across this post indirectly, via Nix. It’s really beautiful. It also reminded me of one of my favourite posts elsewhere which I’m going back to often: Tiago Forte’s “Throughput of Learning”[1]. You probably know it already, if not, you might like it, too.
Tiago Forte writes about learning loops, particularly from the perspective of “listening for assumptions” and the need of having another free mind that helps us reveal the limitations of the assumptions of our current lens:
“[The] deepest assumptions can only be revealed through experience and stories, not by reading books or having intellectual arguments. We do these things through the same old lens, and thus cannot examine the lens. It takes another free mind, reaching up and taking off our spectacles, to show us the cracks and the foggy areas.”
I came to think that a relationship as rich as yours and Johanna’s has this innate quality of an effective learning loop.
[1] Forte, Tiago. “The Throughput of Learning,” January 31, 2017. https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2017/01/31/the-throughput-of-learning/.
Read it! My head is spinning with ideas. Thank you!
I haven't read - I'll add it to my reading list.
This was beautiful, Henrik 🙏
Reading this made my day, so illuminating and beautiful.
Fabulous piece that captures the evolution of self, other, and home. Having been married for over twenty years I resonate with many of your observations, particularly, "Whenever we drop below a certain level of talking, friction accumulates. We get more stuck in our ways, we get stressed and don’t have time to maintain the shared context necessary to understand each other. " I cannot imagine how couples manage to stay connected if both are working outside the home, come home exhausted, and hardly have any time before doing it all again the next day. We are grateful that my husband can work from home much of the time, while I homeschool, which allows us to converse and have a "shared context" throughout the day. I recently wrote a piece on "How to make a home for humans" which focused on how our home environment shapes our interaction with tech. https://schooloftheunconformed.substack.com/p/beyond-digital-detox-how-to-make. We lived for many years without any tv or internet, and it certainly made for a much calmer environment and allowed us to spend ample time in conversation:)
Thank you, Ruth!
Yeah, we haven't tried both working at the same time since the kids were born, and I only work out of the home 3 days a week, so we've made ourselves priviliged in that sense. My parents both worked when I grew up, and they made it work, but we had family in the neighborhood that took turns having us kids and so on, so they weren't too overworked. Cutting away as much as possible that interferes with your ability to do the core things in your life well is key.
I think this might be my favorite Substack read so far.
My friend. I have to say that the serendipity of finding you at this point in my life is nothing short of Godly, and I thank you for making the decisions you've made throughout life that have enabled you to get to the point where you can write such an enlightening essay that inspires me to follow my heart but maintain the constraints of rationality and discipline. I have found my Alice, and as you suggest, you simply can't ignore such a relationship, no matter the possible hurdles. I won't go on, but I had to comment and say thank you so much for what you do. You are a genuine genius.
This piece resonated deeply with me! This really came at the perfect time, as I’ve been trying to think a lot about relationships through the lens of process philosophy recently (which, simply put, sees life as becoming), and your framing captures this idea that love is about becoming more fully through one another so beautifully.
What struck me most was how your account offers a more optimistic view of being a partner who might otherwise feel like an “incomplete” participant in life. For some, a Johanna would be more of a living indictment of their lack. And unfortunately a lot of men may experience it this way (at least from my perspective as a 22 year old). And I love how you show how that difference becoming a source of growth instead, and the very engine driving the relationship forward.
I’ve been trying to explore a bit about these themes myself from more of a metaphysical critique sort of angle, so it was inspiring to see some similar insights come out here out as such a vivid and beautiful kind of lived poetics.
I just found this series and it's really made me think about my relationship with my long-distance friend of about a decade. We've definitely grown apart in the last few years since I moved away from her, and this post made me realize how much I want us to stay close. now to make time to think about exactly how we can do that...
Like your relationship with Joanna, this piece is not a stiff abstract thing. It's grounded and in touch with reality. Your radically unique reality, but so specific I can believe in it. I can learn from it. Thanks.
What do you reckon gives you the ability to be in dialogue with Joanna (and reality) so well? I often am lost in things like Justin Bieber's net worth (and your library story made me feel self-conscious about how often I waste my time). How did you avoid that early on? Curious if there is a simple answer beyond "born this way." No worries if not.
Thanks for sharing.
I guess I have a strong inclination in that direction, but then there is the coevolutionary loop of finding people who pull that out of me, learning from them, and being somewhat systematic about ... sort of Pareto pruning. Which 20 percent of your life makes you feel most alive and grounded? Can you cut away and cut away until that is what you do most of the time? And then ask the question again: what is the best 20 percent of what is left, and prune down toward that? Going fractally toward a life that feels fit.
Thanks for the reply. Also, did giving up coffee help you wake up early?
I'm on and off with coffee. But yes, dropping all stimulants helps me keep a more stable cycle. Not sure how coffee affects the cycle per se, but anything that alters energy levels mechanically will make my cycles less stable, which I dislike. I like my days to be very regimented, it gives me a certain intensity.
Really enjoyed this! Your novel sounds fascinating, I'd love to hear more about it.
I found many resonance as I am also co-evolving and homemaking with my life partner. I found the images of moth and orchid at the opening and beginning were particularly moving. Love the reminder on experiments, conversations, and reviewing what does not work as part of the routine. Thank you for crystallizing those process and thought into words :)
Henrik, your story has been beautiful and fascinating to read!
Now that I've been talking to people I trust, yet I still feel stuck in my own perspective, I figure that must mean that there are people I haven’t met who would unfold space for new insights during conversations in a way I’ve never experienced.
Moreover, I had the worry that ‘even if I find the special person to spend time with, we might not be able to figure out how to live together due to clashes in personal preferences and routine differences’ is actually resolvable if the person is truly the right person I’m looking for. Concurrently, the person I’m looking for must therefore have the additional quality that they are happy with iterations of experimentations and improvements with me however stupid-looking.
These two posts (part 1 and 3) afforded me more clarity for my experimentation with sampling interactions, and thus calmed me and brought me hope. Thank you so, so much for demonstrating the possibility of myself - and all readers - in your or Johanna's position, by describing what sort of experiences we may try looking for!
I can't get over how beautiful this is.