I have kept this in my unread emails for nearly a month, after having opened it day it arrived in the inbox and gotten a couple-few paragraphs in before realizing it was something I needed time, and space, to take in word by word.
I've been there -- multiple times. Amazingly many times. Stuff like staring at the chicken thinking about antibiotics and discussing a bite of lamb is common, understandable, and human. You illustrate it well. And unfortunately, since I've seen this happen so often, I sometimes take the role of your mother, the one who sees when the last threshold of 'coming back' is passed and realizes the rest is just keeping everyone as comfortable as possible.
You did a good service, to yourself, to your family, and to others who have experienced grief from death, in writing this as detailed and intimately as you have.
What a beautiful tribute to her. I remember when I lost my great grandmother when I was 8 the first person I ever lost. And it makes me think about my grandmother, now 87 whose loss I dread more than anything in this world. I wrote a bit about them here: https://comfortwithtruth.substack.com/p/the-children-get-up-and-reign-anotherhtml Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful story. You pay attention and process life's moments with grace.
I kept company with both my parents as they left this life. I'd like to express the experience in writing as well as you did. My husband and I sang to my mother as she departed. My father died weeks before my son was born. Both stories contained humor (oddly) as well as sorrow. Perhaps I'll record them.
Thank you again for sharing your memories of your grandmother.
The humor is interesting, and important I think. I'm sad to hear you've lost your parents. For me, writing it down was important as a way to pay tribute and to process. I actually wrote most of it the day after - six and a half years ago. I wrote 10,000 words in a blind fever of grief and love. Then it took me a long time to get the strength to edit it and turn it into something that transcended my personal experience and became relevant for others. But that felt important, too - I wanted her death to be a story worth telling, the end of her life, though there was nothing dramatic about it, though her life was, in the eyes of the world, small. She lived as much as all of us, and we all deserve to be remembered and missed.
This is incredible writing, thank you for sharing. My own grandma is predicted to die soon-ish, possibly before I graduate college, and I doubt it will be so tender. I don't know her very well and my mom (by her own account) won't care very much. No one I know personally has died before so when it happens, I'll probably think of Ingrid. I'm also glad and slightly surprised that you were allowed to touch her body, I would have assumed the hospital wouldn't allow that.
I bet they do not allow touching the body in certain countries. I remember having an intense anger that we weren't allowed to prepare the body for the funeral: leaving it to professionals felt like abandonment. I've always admired the Trobriand islanders who will sit with the dead body resting in their lap for three days. That feels proper to me lol though I get that some would find it gross.
I had a friend who came an hour to late to her grandmother's death room and she was not allowed to see the body, which was devastating for her and, I think, made the grief process harder.
I hope you find a way to extend care to your grandma - as much as feels apropriate for your relationship.
This made me think about how different cultures process death and grief in different ways. For instance, here at my place, there is more emphasis on rituals that need to be followed and less so on dialogue.
I am from Chennai, India. The exact rituals followed vary based on religion, region and castes and very exhaustive that I cannot recall all details.
But the basic outline goes like this - The person who passed away is brought to their home first. All relatives and friends visit and pay respects to the dead by furnishing garlands and flowers. It is said the grieving house is forbidden from cooking (even coffee or tea) till the person is cremated or buried.
The dead are usually taken to the crematorium from their home within 24 hrs from the time of death. So before sending the departed for cremation, they are washed, applied sandalwood paste and turmeric and wrapped in new clothes. A priest is usually called for reciting the slokas and mentioning the small rituals to be followed. After the rituals are done, another person (equivalent of a mortician) follows another set of rituals and transfers the person to a death bed made from bamboo. This is where the women of the house pay their final respects (traditionally women are forbidden from going to crematorium). Then the person is taken to the crematorium accompanied by male members of the house.
At the crematorium, there is another set of final rites to be followed before the person is finally laid to rest. If the person is burnt, then the ashes are later collected and dispersed in a waterbody
From the date of death till the 16th day, the immediate members of the deceased usually do not go to temples, attend other functions. On the 16th day, another set of rituals are followed to lift the restrictions on the family (usually headed over by a priest).
I can leave you some references on the exact rituals we follow but these usually vary a lot between families as I mentioned before.
Though I do not really subscribe in observing the said practices, this is the tradition here as it is believed the soul doesn't leave this place until the rituals are judiciously followed
Fascinating! I have witnessed a few cremations in Northern India.
In Sweden, there are a few elements of ritual. But as you notice, talking is a big part of it. You tell stories of their lives. And there is singing. And flower garlands. And throwing earth on the casket. Fairly similar to what you would see in the US. Used to be more things, dress codes around wearing black for a year etc.
Yeah there is singing here as well but it's mainly lamenting the loss of the person. I wish we talked more about death but now that I think i feel it's a cultural thing ; it's very hard to hear parents or children tell they love each other
I have kept this in my unread emails for nearly a month, after having opened it day it arrived in the inbox and gotten a couple-few paragraphs in before realizing it was something I needed time, and space, to take in word by word.
I've been there -- multiple times. Amazingly many times. Stuff like staring at the chicken thinking about antibiotics and discussing a bite of lamb is common, understandable, and human. You illustrate it well. And unfortunately, since I've seen this happen so often, I sometimes take the role of your mother, the one who sees when the last threshold of 'coming back' is passed and realizes the rest is just keeping everyone as comfortable as possible.
You did a good service, to yourself, to your family, and to others who have experienced grief from death, in writing this as detailed and intimately as you have.
What a beautiful tribute to her. I remember when I lost my great grandmother when I was 8 the first person I ever lost. And it makes me think about my grandmother, now 87 whose loss I dread more than anything in this world. I wrote a bit about them here: https://comfortwithtruth.substack.com/p/the-children-get-up-and-reign-anotherhtml Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful story. You pay attention and process life's moments with grace.
I kept company with both my parents as they left this life. I'd like to express the experience in writing as well as you did. My husband and I sang to my mother as she departed. My father died weeks before my son was born. Both stories contained humor (oddly) as well as sorrow. Perhaps I'll record them.
Thank you again for sharing your memories of your grandmother.
The humor is interesting, and important I think. I'm sad to hear you've lost your parents. For me, writing it down was important as a way to pay tribute and to process. I actually wrote most of it the day after - six and a half years ago. I wrote 10,000 words in a blind fever of grief and love. Then it took me a long time to get the strength to edit it and turn it into something that transcended my personal experience and became relevant for others. But that felt important, too - I wanted her death to be a story worth telling, the end of her life, though there was nothing dramatic about it, though her life was, in the eyes of the world, small. She lived as much as all of us, and we all deserve to be remembered and missed.
Thank you for sharing your loss.
This is incredible writing, thank you for sharing. My own grandma is predicted to die soon-ish, possibly before I graduate college, and I doubt it will be so tender. I don't know her very well and my mom (by her own account) won't care very much. No one I know personally has died before so when it happens, I'll probably think of Ingrid. I'm also glad and slightly surprised that you were allowed to touch her body, I would have assumed the hospital wouldn't allow that.
I bet they do not allow touching the body in certain countries. I remember having an intense anger that we weren't allowed to prepare the body for the funeral: leaving it to professionals felt like abandonment. I've always admired the Trobriand islanders who will sit with the dead body resting in their lap for three days. That feels proper to me lol though I get that some would find it gross.
I had a friend who came an hour to late to her grandmother's death room and she was not allowed to see the body, which was devastating for her and, I think, made the grief process harder.
I hope you find a way to extend care to your grandma - as much as feels apropriate for your relationship.
2 in a row; got me.
Beautiful piece. Thank you for writing this.
This made me think about how different cultures process death and grief in different ways. For instance, here at my place, there is more emphasis on rituals that need to be followed and less so on dialogue.
Where is that? And what are the rituals?
I am from Chennai, India. The exact rituals followed vary based on religion, region and castes and very exhaustive that I cannot recall all details.
But the basic outline goes like this - The person who passed away is brought to their home first. All relatives and friends visit and pay respects to the dead by furnishing garlands and flowers. It is said the grieving house is forbidden from cooking (even coffee or tea) till the person is cremated or buried.
The dead are usually taken to the crematorium from their home within 24 hrs from the time of death. So before sending the departed for cremation, they are washed, applied sandalwood paste and turmeric and wrapped in new clothes. A priest is usually called for reciting the slokas and mentioning the small rituals to be followed. After the rituals are done, another person (equivalent of a mortician) follows another set of rituals and transfers the person to a death bed made from bamboo. This is where the women of the house pay their final respects (traditionally women are forbidden from going to crematorium). Then the person is taken to the crematorium accompanied by male members of the house.
At the crematorium, there is another set of final rites to be followed before the person is finally laid to rest. If the person is burnt, then the ashes are later collected and dispersed in a waterbody
From the date of death till the 16th day, the immediate members of the deceased usually do not go to temples, attend other functions. On the 16th day, another set of rituals are followed to lift the restrictions on the family (usually headed over by a priest).
I can leave you some references on the exact rituals we follow but these usually vary a lot between families as I mentioned before.
Though I do not really subscribe in observing the said practices, this is the tradition here as it is believed the soul doesn't leave this place until the rituals are judiciously followed
References:
https://sst.org.sg/HEB/Template3/post-death-rituals
https://richardarunachala.wordpress.com/2013/09/15/a-kariyam-a-tamil-death-ceremony/
Fascinating! I have witnessed a few cremations in Northern India.
In Sweden, there are a few elements of ritual. But as you notice, talking is a big part of it. You tell stories of their lives. And there is singing. And flower garlands. And throwing earth on the casket. Fairly similar to what you would see in the US. Used to be more things, dress codes around wearing black for a year etc.
Yeah there is singing here as well but it's mainly lamenting the loss of the person. I wish we talked more about death but now that I think i feel it's a cultural thing ; it's very hard to hear parents or children tell they love each other
But there's a sense of unity through these rituals. It gives the feeling of going through the grief collectively rather than individually
Beautiful
Emotional
Reminded me of conditions of my parents
I lost my grandma a few days ago - this is very touching.
I'm sorry for your loss. I feel for you and her.