Man, sometimes when I read your writing I get the sense that more is possible in my own life. I'm in the thick of that process of figuring out how to truly live in partnership with others. Reading this felt like lighting the way a little more.
One thing I can contribute to this is that this applies to physical skills as well!
I spent years doing yoga and pilates. A trainer taught me barbells, and my strength sky-rocketed. A yoga teacher taught me training regiments for backbends and splits, and I made more progress in 6 weeks than I had in 7 years. I think having gone through that process prepared me for reading this post. It really is possible.
Maybe you will enjoy this passage from the Chuang Tzu
> Duke Huan was reading a book in the hall. Wheelwright Pian, who had been chiseling a wheel in the courtyard below, set down his tools and climbed the stairs to ask Duke Huan, “may I ask you, my Lord, what is this you are reading?”
> “The words of sages,” the Duke responded. The wheelwright continued, “Are these sages alive?” “They are already dead,” came the reply. Wheelwright Pian persisted, “That means you are reading the dregs of long gone men, aren’t you?” An exasperated Duke Huan retorted, “How does a wheelwright get to have opinions on the books I read? If you can explain yourself I’ll let it pass, otherwise, it’s death for you.”
> Wheelwright Pian said, “In my case I see things in terms of my own work. When I chisel at a wheel, if I go slow the chisel slides and does not stay put; if I hurry, it jams and doesn’t move properly. When it is neither too slow nor too fast I can feel it in my hand and respond to it from my heart, and the wheels come out right. My mouth cannot describe it in words. You just have to know how it is. It is something that I cannot teach to my son and my son cannot learn it from me. So I have gone on for 70 years, growing old chiseling wheels. The men of old died in possession of what they knew and took their knowledge with them to the grave. And so, my Lord, what you are reading is only their dregs that they left behind.”
Sara and I have lived in the same house now for 26 years, and when we saw it, we immediately thought this could really be a great long-term project … and then we set about considering. We did the first, easy, addition in year 3, but then it took us 12 years to think through all the next stuff to do and when we priced it out, we couldn’t do it, so we had to chop the project in two pieces and wait another few years to do the second part. It’s really good now, really very lovely and suited to us … only Sara now wants to add a sauna and a greenhouse. Maybe another few years of thinking … it’s nice to have time to get things right. Lovely piece, both of you … I’m sure you’ll share pictures of your garden at some point?
i'd love to have someone like johanna pick apart my ideas and thoughts and ask me the questions i'm overlooking. i felt her style of thinking had an uncanny resemblance to my own – especially the way she gets excited by problem discovery. reading this piece made me realize that a lot of the conflict i experience when working with people comes from the fact that they might be frustrated by the same!
all to say, this piece really resonated with me, thank you for sharing : )
"We walk in circles on the meadow below the house, hashing out what it means for an idea to be mature, what the difference is between a “draft” and an “approach,” and so on."
This was great, Henrik. I've been thinking a lot about how to handle the advice/input of others and you really helped clarify my thinking with this: "Often, when people tell you what to do they don’t understand what you are going for and project their interests onto you. This will kill your best ideas if you let it. But used right, feedback from (competent) others is a way to get more data so you can see further."
Managing feedback - knowing what to accept and to ignore - seems to be a skill you develop over time. I've even found that getting obviously bad feedback has helped me better understand who I am and what I want to pursue because it forces me to take a stand. Thanks so much for writing and sharing these ideas.
Thanks for a beautiful, thought provoking essay as always Henrik. I have been grappling with a few questions of this nature and wondered if you had any thoughts. Many of the examples in the essay involve a curious person, trying to grow and actively on the lookout for ways to do so. However, I find that the constraints holding back most people are actually a lack of curiosity, self awareness and desire to grow in the first place. Do you know how one can develop these faculties in oneself or help another develop them?
On a more tactical front, I am also curious about what limitations you found in yourself as a listener and writer and how you went about improving them.
I know those are a lot of BIG questions all at once- but any insight/resources you can share will be helpful
Something implicit in the action you describe is that while you are searching for flaws and problems and places to improve, there’s very little stopping or thinking about how to proceed. I think this is a problem for many people. They think “I don’t know what to do next” or “I don’t know what the right thing is” and they stop until they figure it out. To steal a metaphor from a favorite book “the ship is anchored until we can figure out why it doesn’t move” (Fifth Head of Cerberus). In doing *anything* next and trusting that you will learn *something* from it (even that it was a waste of time and energy) you make far more progress. So simple, but not a given.
I'm very glad that this post was my introduction to substack. It turned me on to the community and has prompted me to start writing, which I'm very excited about. I didn't realize that there was a whole platform where people were writing about and discussing life in a way that makes so much sense to me. This is such a wholesome place, and I hope it stays that way.
Great essay Henrik. Came back and read it a second time. Reading your thoughts remind me of the agency I have to shape my own life into something I love, even if it deviates from the norm. And to be intentional about my life, really take an interest in it.
My main takeaway was: Johanna sounds like an incredible woman to have as a wife and co-founder for your life.
The love for each other emanates from between the lines - to have such a deep understanding of not just another, but your person must be the most fulfilling and special thing imaginable.
Man, sometimes when I read your writing I get the sense that more is possible in my own life. I'm in the thick of that process of figuring out how to truly live in partnership with others. Reading this felt like lighting the way a little more.
One thing I can contribute to this is that this applies to physical skills as well!
I spent years doing yoga and pilates. A trainer taught me barbells, and my strength sky-rocketed. A yoga teacher taught me training regiments for backbends and splits, and I made more progress in 6 weeks than I had in 7 years. I think having gone through that process prepared me for reading this post. It really is possible.
Maybe you will enjoy this passage from the Chuang Tzu
> Duke Huan was reading a book in the hall. Wheelwright Pian, who had been chiseling a wheel in the courtyard below, set down his tools and climbed the stairs to ask Duke Huan, “may I ask you, my Lord, what is this you are reading?”
> “The words of sages,” the Duke responded. The wheelwright continued, “Are these sages alive?” “They are already dead,” came the reply. Wheelwright Pian persisted, “That means you are reading the dregs of long gone men, aren’t you?” An exasperated Duke Huan retorted, “How does a wheelwright get to have opinions on the books I read? If you can explain yourself I’ll let it pass, otherwise, it’s death for you.”
> Wheelwright Pian said, “In my case I see things in terms of my own work. When I chisel at a wheel, if I go slow the chisel slides and does not stay put; if I hurry, it jams and doesn’t move properly. When it is neither too slow nor too fast I can feel it in my hand and respond to it from my heart, and the wheels come out right. My mouth cannot describe it in words. You just have to know how it is. It is something that I cannot teach to my son and my son cannot learn it from me. So I have gone on for 70 years, growing old chiseling wheels. The men of old died in possession of what they knew and took their knowledge with them to the grave. And so, my Lord, what you are reading is only their dregs that they left behind.”
Thank you for writing this. It really struck a chord with me.
Sara and I have lived in the same house now for 26 years, and when we saw it, we immediately thought this could really be a great long-term project … and then we set about considering. We did the first, easy, addition in year 3, but then it took us 12 years to think through all the next stuff to do and when we priced it out, we couldn’t do it, so we had to chop the project in two pieces and wait another few years to do the second part. It’s really good now, really very lovely and suited to us … only Sara now wants to add a sauna and a greenhouse. Maybe another few years of thinking … it’s nice to have time to get things right. Lovely piece, both of you … I’m sure you’ll share pictures of your garden at some point?
i'd love to have someone like johanna pick apart my ideas and thoughts and ask me the questions i'm overlooking. i felt her style of thinking had an uncanny resemblance to my own – especially the way she gets excited by problem discovery. reading this piece made me realize that a lot of the conflict i experience when working with people comes from the fact that they might be frustrated by the same!
all to say, this piece really resonated with me, thank you for sharing : )
"We walk in circles on the meadow below the house, hashing out what it means for an idea to be mature, what the difference is between a “draft” and an “approach,” and so on."
My wife and I are also walker-thinkers: https://bessstillman.substack.com/p/the-dangers-of-walking-include-falling
This was great, Henrik. I've been thinking a lot about how to handle the advice/input of others and you really helped clarify my thinking with this: "Often, when people tell you what to do they don’t understand what you are going for and project their interests onto you. This will kill your best ideas if you let it. But used right, feedback from (competent) others is a way to get more data so you can see further."
Managing feedback - knowing what to accept and to ignore - seems to be a skill you develop over time. I've even found that getting obviously bad feedback has helped me better understand who I am and what I want to pursue because it forces me to take a stand. Thanks so much for writing and sharing these ideas.
Thanks for a beautiful, thought provoking essay as always Henrik. I have been grappling with a few questions of this nature and wondered if you had any thoughts. Many of the examples in the essay involve a curious person, trying to grow and actively on the lookout for ways to do so. However, I find that the constraints holding back most people are actually a lack of curiosity, self awareness and desire to grow in the first place. Do you know how one can develop these faculties in oneself or help another develop them?
On a more tactical front, I am also curious about what limitations you found in yourself as a listener and writer and how you went about improving them.
I know those are a lot of BIG questions all at once- but any insight/resources you can share will be helpful
This is more on the tactical level but have you found specific ways to prompt more honest feedback? The opposite of the “am I ok?” type of priming
Something implicit in the action you describe is that while you are searching for flaws and problems and places to improve, there’s very little stopping or thinking about how to proceed. I think this is a problem for many people. They think “I don’t know what to do next” or “I don’t know what the right thing is” and they stop until they figure it out. To steal a metaphor from a favorite book “the ship is anchored until we can figure out why it doesn’t move” (Fifth Head of Cerberus). In doing *anything* next and trusting that you will learn *something* from it (even that it was a waste of time and energy) you make far more progress. So simple, but not a given.
I'm very glad that this post was my introduction to substack. It turned me on to the community and has prompted me to start writing, which I'm very excited about. I didn't realize that there was a whole platform where people were writing about and discussing life in a way that makes so much sense to me. This is such a wholesome place, and I hope it stays that way.
Great essay Henrik. Came back and read it a second time. Reading your thoughts remind me of the agency I have to shape my own life into something I love, even if it deviates from the norm. And to be intentional about my life, really take an interest in it.
My main takeaway was: Johanna sounds like an incredible woman to have as a wife and co-founder for your life.
Love it.
The love for each other emanates from between the lines - to have such a deep understanding of not just another, but your person must be the most fulfilling and special thing imaginable.
Got to read this , when i was in the process of figuring out a solution for a problem I was working on. Glad i got to read. Thanks for writing