Julian of Norwich wrote: “First, there is the fall. Then, we recover from the fall — and both are God.” For God read: reality, the pattern of existence, divine creativity, the process of becoming.
This is so very well expressed, and yes, speaking as someone in their 70's I can say with authority (as your other friends have) that this is indeed just one episode of many. The thing about episodes is that when we're inside them it's almost impossible to see what's going on as if from the outside, which would give a clearer view. That's why conversations with others can be so helpful, as you've described! I must have been through at least five major changes of direction creatively in my life all of which have involved periods of turning my back on what came before and redefining everything, but I now realise how rich and valuable those episodes of confusion were. It never feels like it at the time, but you're absolutely right, to be lost is a powerful place to be, far more so than somewhere you feel safe and secure.
This is super inspiring and beautiful. I highlighted the fuck out of this text.
But beyond that i just want to plant the seed of a thought here.
I am not a writer. I don't know as much about the subject as you do. But you close your reflections stating that maybe these current essays are "unable to contain what is rushing through" you.
And after reading this essay, I tend to think it might be a feature. Why should they contain, embrace, restrict? Maybe the current necessity of your writing has more to do with letting what's rushing...rush through.
Personally, I definitely felt something on this end. Whatever rushed its way through your mind and through your text, arrived here.
there's an aspect too of how once you're in the public eye it's stickier to get in and out of phases/forms/experimenting. we can't help but get affected on both sides of our process (while making, thinking about how it'll be seen; and after making, immediately feeling the way it's being seen). i guess that speaks to the way it's never truly an individual making a thing. i don't know i kind of love that weird hockney piece
I like the timing of this one. Enduring confusion and uncertainty starts to feel like a skill, which has to be acquired, rather than an unfortunate circumstance befalling me.
Reading your words helps distill that whole idea even further.
The “blog” form itself can complicate being stuck, since you lack the traditional inhibitions of the publishing house / magazine / etc. You can write a bad essay and just send it! That freedom is wonderful when writing unconventionally or when seeking to stake out an audience independent of a publisher. But when your are or less cogent, when your writing feels _off_ but you can’t yet tell why, then you begin to miss an editor and the travails of getting published. You assume all the risk yourself! Especially with essays, which are by nature discursive, it feels like you are baring your belly to counter arguments you know are there but somehow cannot manage to anticipate or rebut at the moment. Not sure if there’s any answer but to bumble through it; though of course this piece has more eloquence than bumbling!
> how to develop a way of writing aimed at orchestrating an inner experience (like poetry) but which also forces me to sharpen my thoughts and give them more reach
I’m very interested in this! I suspect it’s why I find your style so compelling. What should I read to learn more about this way of writing and how you developed it?
Väldigt fint skriven text som verkligen slår ann någonting hos mig (också 37!). Även om du är mycket talangfullare än vad jag är så har jag själv försökt skriva en bok, under typ fyra års tid, och allt fallit samman. Månader efter månader av förvirring och frustration och, som du beskriver, ett hoppande mellan delar och projekt och ideér.
Efter att ha läst detta ska jag utmana mig själv att stanna vid en text/idé/essä i taget.
Jag vet inte vad du arbetar på men för mig är tidspress, som den som infaller när man bestämt sig för att publicera regelbundet på t.ex. Substack, någonting som låser mig fullständigt och jag tror att det kan bidra till att hjärnan istället för att stanna hoppar till en mer attraktiv eller enkel idé (som ofta visar sig vara en återvändsgränd).
> When you’re in a phase of experimentation, it’s not particularly surprising that you will feel very generative and, at the same time, that nothing will be of production-grade quality, so to speak.
As someone who's also been feeling creative-plus-unproductive, this found me at a fortuitous time. Thanks!
Beautiful thoughts. It seems like you are going through a sort of metamorphosis. It's interesting to think of how humans would approach it if we actually were metamorphic biologically, like butterflies. There would definitely be some people trying to figure out ways to speed it up or enhance its effectiveness. Levers of control over duration and the process as a whole. But I imagine a lot of it would come down to "let it take it's time".
It's also interesting to connect this to what you've written before on "cocoons". That connection first seems to me a bit like the kind of connection that a paranoid or apophenic person would latch onto, one that's not really there, just a superficial coincidence. Metamorphosis isn't what you were referring to. But maybe there's something more to it, and what you need through this phase does amount to a "self-help for cocoons" of some sort.
Best of luck as you work and wait through it. I'm glad that you share these raw thoughts, as well as your more confident essays, with the world. Deeply grateful for both kinds.
The apophenia worry is the interesting part. I don't remember facts from what I read, only the shape of the thing, and shapes match across subjects in a way facts can't. That's how I get the connections worth having. It's also, best guess, how I get the ones that aren't there. Same mechanism, no built-in way to tell them apart.
What made you decide the cocoon one was real after all?
Julian of Norwich wrote: “First, there is the fall. Then, we recover from the fall — and both are God.” For God read: reality, the pattern of existence, divine creativity, the process of becoming.
This is so very well expressed, and yes, speaking as someone in their 70's I can say with authority (as your other friends have) that this is indeed just one episode of many. The thing about episodes is that when we're inside them it's almost impossible to see what's going on as if from the outside, which would give a clearer view. That's why conversations with others can be so helpful, as you've described! I must have been through at least five major changes of direction creatively in my life all of which have involved periods of turning my back on what came before and redefining everything, but I now realise how rich and valuable those episodes of confusion were. It never feels like it at the time, but you're absolutely right, to be lost is a powerful place to be, far more so than somewhere you feel safe and secure.
to be lost is a powerful place to be - that is a wonderful reminder, thank you for that!
This is super inspiring and beautiful. I highlighted the fuck out of this text.
But beyond that i just want to plant the seed of a thought here.
I am not a writer. I don't know as much about the subject as you do. But you close your reflections stating that maybe these current essays are "unable to contain what is rushing through" you.
And after reading this essay, I tend to think it might be a feature. Why should they contain, embrace, restrict? Maybe the current necessity of your writing has more to do with letting what's rushing...rush through.
Personally, I definitely felt something on this end. Whatever rushed its way through your mind and through your text, arrived here.
Love your work.
there's an aspect too of how once you're in the public eye it's stickier to get in and out of phases/forms/experimenting. we can't help but get affected on both sides of our process (while making, thinking about how it'll be seen; and after making, immediately feeling the way it's being seen). i guess that speaks to the way it's never truly an individual making a thing. i don't know i kind of love that weird hockney piece
I like the timing of this one. Enduring confusion and uncertainty starts to feel like a skill, which has to be acquired, rather than an unfortunate circumstance befalling me.
Reading your words helps distill that whole idea even further.
The “blog” form itself can complicate being stuck, since you lack the traditional inhibitions of the publishing house / magazine / etc. You can write a bad essay and just send it! That freedom is wonderful when writing unconventionally or when seeking to stake out an audience independent of a publisher. But when your are or less cogent, when your writing feels _off_ but you can’t yet tell why, then you begin to miss an editor and the travails of getting published. You assume all the risk yourself! Especially with essays, which are by nature discursive, it feels like you are baring your belly to counter arguments you know are there but somehow cannot manage to anticipate or rebut at the moment. Not sure if there’s any answer but to bumble through it; though of course this piece has more eloquence than bumbling!
BEAUTIFUL PAINTING 🌸🌿
> how to develop a way of writing aimed at orchestrating an inner experience (like poetry) but which also forces me to sharpen my thoughts and give them more reach
I’m very interested in this! I suspect it’s why I find your style so compelling. What should I read to learn more about this way of writing and how you developed it?
Väldigt fint skriven text som verkligen slår ann någonting hos mig (också 37!). Även om du är mycket talangfullare än vad jag är så har jag själv försökt skriva en bok, under typ fyra års tid, och allt fallit samman. Månader efter månader av förvirring och frustration och, som du beskriver, ett hoppande mellan delar och projekt och ideér.
Efter att ha läst detta ska jag utmana mig själv att stanna vid en text/idé/essä i taget.
Jag vet inte vad du arbetar på men för mig är tidspress, som den som infaller när man bestämt sig för att publicera regelbundet på t.ex. Substack, någonting som låser mig fullständigt och jag tror att det kan bidra till att hjärnan istället för att stanna hoppar till en mer attraktiv eller enkel idé (som ofta visar sig vara en återvändsgränd).
Ja, jag vet inte. En opolerad tanke.
Tack för ditt arbete, Christian
“I wanted my poetry to be more like mathematics.”
Very relatable! I like this essay a lot. You put some of my own thoughts into words, thank you
> When you’re in a phase of experimentation, it’s not particularly surprising that you will feel very generative and, at the same time, that nothing will be of production-grade quality, so to speak.
As someone who's also been feeling creative-plus-unproductive, this found me at a fortuitous time. Thanks!
Beautiful thoughts. It seems like you are going through a sort of metamorphosis. It's interesting to think of how humans would approach it if we actually were metamorphic biologically, like butterflies. There would definitely be some people trying to figure out ways to speed it up or enhance its effectiveness. Levers of control over duration and the process as a whole. But I imagine a lot of it would come down to "let it take it's time".
It's also interesting to connect this to what you've written before on "cocoons". That connection first seems to me a bit like the kind of connection that a paranoid or apophenic person would latch onto, one that's not really there, just a superficial coincidence. Metamorphosis isn't what you were referring to. But maybe there's something more to it, and what you need through this phase does amount to a "self-help for cocoons" of some sort.
Best of luck as you work and wait through it. I'm glad that you share these raw thoughts, as well as your more confident essays, with the world. Deeply grateful for both kinds.
The apophenia worry is the interesting part. I don't remember facts from what I read, only the shape of the thing, and shapes match across subjects in a way facts can't. That's how I get the connections worth having. It's also, best guess, how I get the ones that aren't there. Same mechanism, no built-in way to tell them apart.
What made you decide the cocoon one was real after all?